Why do I always doubt myself and what I’m trying to do? It just drains the ambition out of me. I try to encourage myself but so often I feel like I’m losing. That I’ll never get it. Others can do it but I doubt that I can. The word that comes to mind is despair. And then comes anger. Just so angry because it doesn’t seem fair.

I’m not asking for anything be given to me. I’ll work for what I get, but I feel that all the work I do will be for nothing because I just don’t have what it takes. Something will cause me to fail. It’s like good things don’t come my way.

 

I’m getting nowhere. I have a plan. I have a goal but it’s not working. I can’t focus. I keep checking something. I keep watching something. I keep coming back to something.  What is it? It’s my progress. I’m looking over my own shoulder. I’m judging myself.

I have a goal but even if I make it something is bothering me. Even if I’m on schedule something is wrong. Maybe I’m afraid it’s not a good enough goal. I think maybe I’m just afraid of getting behind. I’m on schedule now but what about an hour or two from now? I don’t like to play catch up. So I try to get far ahead. Then I feel confident. But after a while, my lead starts to shorten and I get worried again about getting behind.

It also bothers me that I’m not typing. I can be sitting here thinking about what to say but it’s like I few that as not getting anything done. I have to be typing. I need to see words and sentences and paragraphs that I’ve written.