I’ve always had a problem with a lack of confidence so I thought I’d do this blog and see if anyone feels like I do. Maybe it will help someone and help me. But then my lack of confidence kept telling me not to do this. It was telling me that no one will read this. No one cares what I think. So many times I have given up on this blog. I’d look back on the hard work that I put into it and realize it was for nothing because I’d never put this out there.

I was really frustrated. But then I realized that by trying to write this blog I had to try to figure out what might be wrong. And that made me think about how I felt and question some of the reasons I felt that way. I started feeling better and understanding a little more. This is some of the things I discovered.

Of course, I wouldn’t feel this way if I had more confidence. Right? Confidence is supposed to be the key. I just had to figure out how to have more of it and then everything would be fine. They say fake it till you make it. So I faked it, but didn’t make it. Faking it didn’t get it because it was, well, faking. I needed real confidence. But what is real confidence?

Remember hearing the

“If you can believe it you can achieve it!”

quote? Ever wanted to believe that but something in the back of your mind was a little bit wary? At first it made me feel great and hopeful, but it didn’t last. We’ve all heard of some unfortunate ones that believed they could fly. We know how that turned out.

I don’t know about you, but I get tired of the same old cheerleading. You go, girl! I’m tired of someone trying to motivate me with non-specific quotes and feel-good sayings. You can do it! Be confident and achieve all your dreams. Confidence is the answer. Well, yes and no. The truth is better than a bunch of talk that makes you feel good for a little while but doesn’t really help you. The bottom line is, you can only really believe in confidence if you know what it really is and what it can and can’t do.

What are some of the things it can and can’t do?

Turns out we all have potential and proficiency. Say you have the potential to become, on a scale of 1 to 10, a number 10 musician. But, you’ve only been playing your instrument for a couple of years and you’re a 4. That’s your proficiency. You haven’t reached your full potential yet. Or you’ve been playing for 10 years and you’re stuck at an 8. That could be a confidence problem. You just can’t believe that you can do it. Or you’re just so afraid of making a mistake.

Confidence will not give you potential, but a lack of it can keep you from performing at your present proficiency and eventually reaching your full potential. So confidence won’t give you hidden or untapped talent that you don’t have. But with it you will achieve your true potential. It will allow you to be your best. And most often, that’s very good.

What does confidence look like?

Confidence is attractive. Not arrogance! That’s a turn off. But real confidence is a real attention-getter. Real confidence is not arrogant because it has nothing to prove. How often have you seen the quietest person in the building getting the most attention? Confidence allows you to be likable. It allows you to smile. And that is a very attractive trait.

And confidence doesn’t necessarily make you outgoing and always talking. It’s more about that look you have about you. The way you carry yourself. Again, quiet people can stand out in a crowd. It is your presence. I recently watched a video of two guys reviewing a new guitar. The first guy did almost all the talking and the other one smiled, nodded, and occasionally said he agreed.
The second one is the one that caught my attention the most. He looked confident and like he had no problem supporting the other guy with his presentation. He did nothing to shine the spotlight on himself. Didn’t need to.

You’re probably doing better than you think!

I once had a Taekwondo instructor that I greatly admired. Still do! But I was an older student and I knew I could never reach his level of expertise. A young Korean man who made everything look easy and so graceful. Nothing to do but accept that I could never be as good as him. I had limitations. My age. After taking classes from him for a couple of years, I stopped by the dojang for a social visit. Loved just being up there. I had a guitar in my car that I did not want to leave in the heat so I took it in. I had been playing for a very long time and was quite good (did it for a living for eight years). He saw the guitar and asked me to play something. Said he’d tried playing before but was really struggling. I played a few things for him and was so surprised at his reaction. He was so impressed and told me how he wished so much that he could do what I could do. I could tell he was being sincere by the way he acted. I then realized that this man that I so much wanted to be like wanted to be like me!

That changed my whole attitude to my limitations in Taekwondo. I could never be really good at it. But, I was really good at other things. After that, I relaxed and enjoyed my classes. The pressure was gone. It gave me confidence. I realized he is really good at the martial arts, but I’ve got my own set of really good skills.

Could it be that others that we admire and envy have people they admire and envy? We all probably want to be good at everything, but even the best have their limitations. And maybe they’re really good at something and we want to be that good, but they always think they could be better.

But how do we become confident?

I have come to learn a few things. My outlook on things, my perspective, has changed. I have made it this far without a lot of confidence. I’m still standing. I feel like I’ve been through some of the worst more than once. Maybe it’s time I start trusting myself. Realize that I should have confidence because I’ve been through a lot and still haven’t given up.

Of course I could try to remember all the times that people made fun of me or picked at me and I took it and it wasn’t the end of the world. But that wouldn’t be true. Being made fun of by someone was extremely rare. And why would they make fun of me? There are two reasons I can think of why they wouldn’t. Most people are too nice to do that and, most of all, it’s because there’s really nothing wrong with me. I see that now. So where did these worst of times come from? What are all these trials and tribulations?

Okay, surely all the failures I’ve had can explain it all. But I’ve failed at things about as much as anyone else. No big failure, am I. Just had my share, same as you. Done a lot of good things, too. Same as you. What??? Then what is wrong? Did I really go through all these agonizing times?

Oh, I went through them alright! You can believe that. In my head, I went through a war. I went through a beat down. It was brutal at times. Fear of failure. Not being accepted. And now, for icing on the cake, I have to deal with getting older. And older makes me fell a lot less relevant.

I have been my own worst enemy. I put my own self in situations I didn’t want to be in. I tried to overcome and make up for my lack of confidence around people and it usually got the kind of response I didn’t want. From trying too hard to trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. Agreeing with all they said. The trying too hard never worked. It backfired every time. Trying to be what they wanted me to be seemed to work some of the time. But it was a big price to pay, not being myself, to get approval.

Remembering What We Already Know

Think about this: when we admire someone (sports figures, musicians, even good looking people) we focus solely on what they’re good at. You’d admire me if you did that with me. But we focus some on our own good but really on our own bad. With those we admire we don’t think about what they’re not good at or, with some, the things they shouldn’t be doing or saying. We’re only really hard on ourselves.

So What Are We To Do?

Have you ever liked someone that didn’t first try to make you like them? Ever liked someone that didn’t always agree with you or didn’t try to be who they thought you wanted them to be? Odds are you have. Just remember the people you’ve seen that you admired and they didn’t try to be admired. You liked them and they didn’t try to make you like them.

What kind of person do you need to be to have confidence and be liked? Well, what type of people do you admire and like? Odds are you like people that are nice. Not mean. People that are confident. Not arrogant. You like people that don’t always agree with you, but they disagree with respect. Without argument. You admire people that are really good at something and will tell you there’s things they aren’t good at. That’s you. You’re really good at somethings and not so good at others.

Think. Do you know someone who doesn’t really act all that confident? Who isn’t a real stand out in talent? Good at things they do, but not a rock star? Not really all that outgoing but you like them a lot for some reason? Chances are you sense they accept themselves and you admire that. We all have our pluses and minuses. How do they add up? Getting rid of a minus is as good as getting a plus. Do the math. A minus to get rid of: stop trying so hard to be liked. Another: certainly don’t be a jerk. Be nice to everyone. Don’t show your worries on your face. Smile.