Author: evhwolfgang

The Power Of Relaxation

The Power Of Relaxation

Tension will  drain your energy

Tension WILL drain your energy. It will make you sore. It causes inflammation and will make you walk stiffly. You WILL be tired.  And you won’t even know it.

That’s because we’re used to it. We don’t think about it. Why would we notice something different when it’s the norm? We pay no attention to it. We’re used to it.  If we got nice and relaxed then we’d notice it. Not used to that.

A few years ago I took TaeKwonDo. Got my first degree black belt. I learned so much more than just TaeKwonDo. My instructor told me time and again to relax. Took me at least a year before I ever really started listening to him about it. He tried but I wouldn’t listen.

Then one day I decided to just try it. But I was skeptical. This is a sport where power and speed is needed and you don’t get power and speed, I’d always thought, without a lot of effort. Boy was I wrong.

All the moves I had to make like punches, kicks, blocks, forms I had to do became easier. My punches were faster and easier to do. And they had a lot of snap to them. My uniform sleeve would just pop when doing a punch or block. I moved easier and more gracefully. It took less energy because everything was a lot easier to do.

I had seen others do their kicks and punches and forms and thought they looked really good. They were powerful and fast. They were clearly putting a lot into it. It looked impressive but it didn’t.  Don’t get me wrong, they did all the moves perfectly. And plenty of power. But they seemed stiff. It didn’t seem natural. It seemed like they had learned the moves and how to mimic them and did a good job of that. But it didn’t seem like an art. It was more like an act. Not something they were experiencing but something memorized.

They were not fluid and relaxed. They were not graceful or flowing. The moves were perfect but mechanical. They looked tense and being tense does not convey confidence. They were so tense it made me tense to watch them.

When you see someone that is in the flow and really good at what they do, they make it look easy. You start to think you can do it, too. But the ones I was watching didn’t make it look easy. It looked hard.

To move or bend your arm, it requires one muscle to relax while another one tenses. To move your hand up to touch your nose, you contract your bicep while stretching out your triceps.  And to move your hand out to pick something up, you contract your triceps and relax your bicep. If you wanted to move your forearm in front of you body to block a punch to your chest then you would have to contract your bicep while stretching your triceps. But if you’re tense, it takes a lot of energy to stretch those triceps. To try to stretch a muscle that is already tight.

Throwing a hard punch is all about speed. It’s hard to punch fast when you’re tensing up before you punch. You relax and punch and only tense at the exact moment that your hand hits the target. Try it. It doesn’t feel right or natural to tense up and try to move. It takes practice but not a lot and it doesn’t take long to see that you are as fast or faster, punch as hard if not harder when you’re relaxed. Only tense at the point of impact.

I also play guitar and I’ve learned what tension can do to that. I’ve always known that tension would hold you back (in the back of my mind) but it’s like I had just forgotten it and paid it no attention. Relaxing wasn’t part of my practice routine. But relaxing doesn’t just make it easier to play and doesn’t just make you a faster player. It affects your sound.  There are nuances that can be heard. When you’re relaxed the sound is more flowing and pleasing. Tension produces a rough undertone and it can be easily heard. There’s just something missing. When you’re relaxed it conveys confidence which sounds much better. You and anyone listening can pick it up. And just like in TaeKwonDo, one can hear and see your tension.

So pay attention and make relaxing an integral part of any practice of any skill you are working on. It will pay off in many ways. You’ll be better, look better and feel better. You’ll look graceful, fluid and confident. And you’ll enjoy it more.

Pay Attention Or Pay With Tension

Tension will  drain your energy.

It will make you sore. It causes inflammation and will make you walk stiffly. You WILL be tired.  And you won’t even know it.

That’s because we’re used to it. We don’t think about it. Why would we notice something different when it’s the norm? We pay no attention to it. We’re used to it.  If we got nice and relaxed then we’d notice it because we’re not used to that.

Here lately (wish I’d started sooner) I began to notice how tense I was. Especially in my shoulders and face. And there was no reason for it. I was standing on the deck watching my dog play in the yard. The tension did not help me stand better or watch my dog better. It was all for nothing. Nothing good. And I noticed it when I was walking. Didn’t help at all. I can walk just fine without being tense.

But it’s a habit. I don’t even have to think about it to be tense. I have to think about it to relax. I was totally oblivious to how tense I really was. And the tension didn’t help. In fact, it hurt.

Now I try to be aware of it as much as I can. And the awareness helps. I relax some when I realize how I’m feeling. When I try to relax, sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t.  When I do relax at different times it’s to different degrees. And when I tried to relax and I couldn’t like I wanted to I’d get frustrated and give up. When you fail at something you don’t want to try to do it anymore. But what I can succeed at every time is being aware of how I feel. Once I set my goal to just being aware, not trying to relax, that seems to do it. The pressure is off. I don’t have to relax. Just be aware of how I feel. That makes me relax better than when I try too hard to relax.

The Benefits are Now

It will take a while before relaxation becomes a habit. But it doesn’t have to become a habit to enjoy its benefits now. Any relaxation you can obtain now is a great benefit. Even a small amount of relaxation or any relaxation for just a little bit of time is a good thing.

So think about how you feel and think about it often. You will see results. It’s like a lot of other things. If you don’t realize you’re doing it, you can’t change it.

But when you change it, it’s very good. You’ll be more relaxed and look relaxed. I’ve always found that attractive. People who look relaxed look better than someone stiff. You’ll move more gracefully. You’ll be loose and fluid. And, if you’re older, you’ll look younger. Good, easy strides when you walk. You’ll look healthier. You’ll feel healthier. You’ll think better. You’ll have more energy and a better attitude.

Every Second Adds Up

There’s not a moment wasted when you work on relaxing. You’ll be building on a habit that will benefit you in many ways. Every time you stop and think about how you’re feeling tension-wise is another step toward this life-changing goal. The effort is accumulative. It all adds up. So put in the time and reap the rewards.

Goals And Outcome

I couldn’t wait to start writing this post because I needed help.

I knew I was spinning my wheels on all of my posts and felt like I was getting no where. I dropped everything else to work on this one hoping I could give myself some answers as to what was wrong.

I have such a hard time getting started some times and when I do get started often I can’t focus. One thing that bothers me is am I getting enough done quickly enough. Another thing that bothers me is how much should I do or how long should I work. All of these things mess with my focus.

Sometimes I can set a goal like 2 hours a day to work on a post. But then I start working on it and I feel like it’s not enough time. It’s almost like setting that goal holds me back. So if I start thinking that it’s not enough time then I start to worry if I’ll get enough done and that’s in my mind and hampers my writing. But if I decide I’ll do 4 hours a day then it seems overwhelming. That’s a lot of time to put into it what with all the other things I have to do. I can only do so much.

This affects my drive. Why work on it when I can’t get it done? Or certainly not enough. I surely can’t enjoy working on it, not in that frame of mind. I’m miserable, some times.

I believe that the culprit is worrying about the outcome. Not enjoying the process. Man, it can ruin anything. Even the most enjoyable things you used to work on until you started grading yourself.

Maybe I set the wrong type of goal. Instead of deciding how much I’m going to get done, I should set a goal about how long I’ll work on it. If I decide to work on something for one hour per day then that never changes. What changes from day to day is how much I get done. Some days not much at all and other days I’m producing like you wouldn’t believe. But overall it averages out to be nicely productive.

Also, if I work on a new post I feel like I’m getting something done. I see new words on the page and I feel like I’m having a good outcome. But if I want to tweak a post I’ve already written I feel like I’m not getting that much done. Materially it may not make a lot of difference. It will make it a better post but I may not see a lot of change. I may only add a few more words or maybe I’ll add a few here and remove a few there and it works out the same. Or maybe I’ll even wind up with fewer words. There’s not a lot materially to show. I seem to not focus on the fact that qualitatively it’s a better post. So I’m judging my outcome on how much quantitatively I’m getting done. I’m focused too much on the outcome.

I have created my own work place stress

I’m retired. The only boss I have is me and I’m really hard on my self. Maybe I’m doing just fine, but our American culture of super productivity is what is ruining it all. I am productive. Overall, very productive. Just not all the time. But it averages out to be good work done.

There is absolutely no doubt, I am at my best when not under pressure and stress. Sometimes I get ahead and that’s when I really start getting productive. I think it’s because there’s no stress and nothing competing with my focus. No worry in the back of my mind of how I’m doing.

Sometimes I just have to be exhausted with worry before I can step back, relax and put my thoughts together. That works and I become productive again. But that’s not the way I want to handle the situation. Sometimes I’ll wake up from a good night’s sleep and start working on a post and get a phenomenal amount of work done. But I’m starting to realize that I can’t expect that to happen all the time. No one is at their best all the time.

I’m not sure why I have to pressure myself on writing a post or anything else I want to do. There are other things I do that I don’t worry about my productivity and it seems with these things I get a lot done. And I enjoy doing it. I can get lost in something and have the best time and get a lot done without worrying about it.

I think that writing this post has helped me. I had to think about what’s been going on and why I think it’s like it is.

Changing Your Own Mind

Personal development isn’t about changing someone else.

Or manipulating them. Or controlling them. It isn’t so much about being able to control your circumstances or what happens to you. Sometimes you just can’t do that. It’s about changing how you react to them.

Some People Feel Differently About Our Situation

Most of us don’t want our significant other to leave us. We would be devastated. If our spouse or other important person to us wanted a divorce or to leave us it would be terrible. But there was one woman who wasn’t happy in her marriage. She found a lover who she cared more about. Her lover kept pressuring her to let her husband know that she wanted a divorce. She kept  promising him she would but she was having a hard time getting around to it. She knew it would hurt her husband and she still loved him and didn’t want to make him feel that way. She agonized over it every time she thought of telling him and how it would go. Then one day her husband told her he wanted a divorce. She felt so relieved because then she didn’t have to tell him after all. In this instance, this person did want their spouse to leave them.

You wouldn’t want some one to walk up and hit you, would you? Most of us don’t. But when I was a teenager, we used to go to dances at the Women’s Club every weekend. There were three brothers that went there and they were mean. Always looking for a fight. If they couldn’t find some one to fight they’d end up fighting each other. If you walked up to one of them and hit them they’d be happy. You just saved them the trouble of finding a fight.

Would you like to be on a boat in the middle of the ocean during a big storm? Probably not. You don’t ever want that to happen. But, if you were on a boat in the middle of the ocean during a big storm, maybe you’d be wishing that it had happened before. Then you’d know what to expect. What to do. So what am I trying to say? That if you’d been through it before it wouldn’t be nearly as bad. Or, generally speaking, all the trials and tribulations you’ve been through before make you better able to handle the new ones that pop up.

We Can View Things Differently With A Little Understanding

So change your mind about what’s happened to you. And what is happening. And what will happen. Somethings you see as a terrible thing others will see as a good thing (like the three mean brothers or the cheating wife). It’s all about perspective. Bored because there’s nothing on tv? Ask any prison inmate how they’d like to be sitting at home channel surfing even when there’s nothing good on.

Sure, there’s nothing wrong about getting upset or down when something bad happens to you. But what if it’s not something really bad. Just an inconvenience more than any thing else. Don’t get riled up over just any little thing.

Personal Development Really Is Personal

You can’t always control your circumstances or others around you. But you can control yourself and how you think about and react to things or people. I’m not saying “just change your mind”. Or “You go, girl! You can change your mind”. Not trying to cheer you on. But change your mind for a good reason. And there are good reasons.

Think about these things. Keep coming back to them. Visit them often. Don’t feel helpless. You’re capable of understanding what works and what doesn’t. You’ve probably realized at some point before that these things are true. You just need to remind yourself of what you have always known.

 

It’s hard to focus when you’re worrying about how you’re doing.

Focus. It’s how we concentrate and get things done.

But it’s hard to focus when we’re worried about how we’re doing. Our minds are constantly switching from what we’re doing to how we’re doing. Are we getting enough done? Do we need to work faster? And can we get the work done?

I’ve had work to do that took every minute. I could barely stop for a break. And I’ve always enjoyed it under certain circumstances. And those circumstances are when I knew I could get the job done. It’s those times that I wasn’t sure if I could get it done that bothered me immensely and made it a terrible job. It wasn’t the work. Or that it was hard work. It was can I do it.

As long as I knew I could do it, it was just a lot of work. Not a lot of stress. Big difference! I can handle a lot of work. A lot of stress just wore me out and made me miserable. A day of hard work just made me tired. A good tired. Good to relax and be done for the day. But a lot of stress? Just wore me out and ruined my attitude and my evening and my sleep. Because I had it to do all over again the next day.

I’m too busy watching myself.

And it didn’t help that I was constantly checking myself. My mind was multi-tasking. Focusing on the work but evaluating myself in the background. Like a multi-tasking computer program, I wasn’t getting all the CPU cycles on what I needed to be working on. And the memory was being used by two different processes. Sometimes the self-checking and fear was getting the lion’s share of my focus.

I’m worried about the outcome of trying to figure out why I’m so obsessed with outcome

I worry so much about outcome. That’s why I’m not as productive as I can be. So I decided to try to figure out why I’m like that. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. But, now I’m worried that I’m not making a lot of progress on that. I’m worried about the outcome of trying to figure out why I’m so obsessed with outcome and what can I do about it. I almost can’t believe this.

I’ve heard people say to increase your focus get somewhere that’s quiet. Wear headphones and listen to soothing music. That doesn’t work with me. I can still hear what’s going on in my head.

Know what I hear? “How’s your progress?”, “You haven’t done that much” and “You have a goal of an hour and you haven’t typed anything in ten minutes. Just sitting there thinking”.

I only fail for a little while – What you’ve accomplished in the short run is not indicative of what you’ll get done it the long run

We want to deliver results but we don’t always have control over those results. The outcome. But we do have control over the process. I’m not saying be happy with the process and don’t worry about the results. Or if you fail you should still be happy because you stuck to the process. Not at all. I have found that if I focus on the process then I only fail for a little while. I was failing the last hour but this hour I’m making a lot of progress. Last hour I couldn’t think of a thing to type but now I’m typing as quickly as I can so I don’t forget the ideas I suddenly have. I was going to take a break but I can’t. I suddenly got in the zone and I want to keep it going. So different than what it was like the last hour. What you’ve accomplished in the short run is not indicative of what you’ll get done it the long run. How you’re doing right now is not a good indicator of how you’ll be doing later in the day. Or even tomorrow.

So just stop worrying and checking your progress. Easy, right?

No! Just easy to say you’ll do it. But if you give it some thought, a lot of thought, maybe you’ll come to realize too that the worry and staring over your own shoulder doesn’t help. It hurts. To really change, it doesn’t take will power. It doesn’t take bucking up and standing up to it and facing your fears head on and staring them down. It takes understanding.  And the more you understand, the more you can believe that things can be different.

Ask yourself repeatedly does this fear help. What is it doing to you. All the positive sayings and quotes and inspirational messages will make you feel good for a little while but they won’t do a lot of good in the long run. You have to figure this out for yourself. You have to convince yourself. Not through quotes and mantras, but through reasoning. Ask yourself, “what makes sense?”. Is it reasonable to believe this? What I’ve been doing, is it working? It takes time and it takes thought. But, it can be done and won’t take too long. The effort pays off. In the long run, you’ll create a new habit that increases your focus and productivity. But, even in the short run, it can help. Even for just brief periods, you’ll be able to do it. Even before it becomes a habit. That’s instant gratification, even for just short periods of time. Give it a minute.

Again, even if just for two minutes or five minutes, it’ll help. You’ll start to see you can do it and get better at it. And the more you do it the easier it’ll get and before too long it’ll become a habit.  But even before it becomes a habit, you’ll enjoy those two or five minutes for now. It takes thought and reasoning.

You need to be where you can explain it to someone else

You can’t just read this post or someone else’s and expect to really change. Think about what’s been said and how it applies to you. That’s fine. But understand what is going on with you. Think about it and think about it some more. Have you been reading self help posts and they don’t work? So you think you need to read more? Or just haven’t found the right one yet that gets you where you want to be? This truth needs to become a part of you. You need to be where you can explain it to someone else. You need to be able to show someone else that this is what can fix the problem. Because you really know it and understand it. I think you already know this. But you need to keep reminding yourself of it. Keep coming back to it.

Many others and myself had said that you need to focus on the process. Don’t worry about the outcome. I’ve told you what I think. But what do you think? That’s what is important.  Trust yourself and remember what you already know.

Anxiety And Depression

Sometimes I can’t believe that anything good will ever happen again.

This virus going around has just added to my already bad anxiety. I thought my anxiety couldn’t get worse. But it has by a lot.

I thought I was going out to lunch today. I had myself talked into it, but that didn’t last. Same thing about lunch for the past few weeks. I really want to get out of the house. I really want some beer and wings. I want to go to the grocery store. Not sure I need anything, but I want to go browse. Walk around and have something to do.

The good news is that I don’t always feel this way. It comes and goes but I haven’t noticed a pattern. Tomorrow I may feel good but today is a real challenge. Sometimes it’s not as bad as other days. Sometimes it doesn’t last all day. I may wake up anxious and depressed and later on in the day it goes away.

I need a break from the news cycle. Probably social media, too. I think for the next few days all I’ll do is open a browser and check the weather. Nothing else. I have tried that before and it did seem to help.

As I said before, I haven’t noticed a pattern. Maybe I should try to keep a journal about it. If I feel anxious and depressed today, what happened yesterday or last night that may have triggered it? What was on my mind yesterday? Any news I heard on tv, the internet or from a friend? Did I get out yesterday or stuck at home? Did I eat right or skip a meal? Did I do any type of exercise or just go out in the backyard and get some sun? I want to look for  a pattern.

There is one thing that makes it better and that’s knowing I’m not the only one that feels that way. That didn’t sound right. Sounds like misery loves company. That’s not what I mean. What I mean is that I’m not weird in that there are a lot of other people that have the same problem. It can happen to anyone.  We are not alone.

I can stop blaming myself

This is not my fault. I wouldn’t blame myself for this anymore that I’d blame some other poor person that has this problem. I feel sympathy for the others and myself. I wish us all the best. And I know that there are a lot of others that have gotten better by a lot. That’s encouraging.

Activity by Activity

What helped me is just trying to do things that I normally would do if I weren’t feeling anxious. I don’t have to do everything but I can find some things that are not that hard to do. I may not want to but when I force myself then very often it gets a lot better. The more I do any particular activity the easier that activity gets. But I need to keep doing it on a fairly regular basis. It’s the things I put off doing that worry me so much.

I’m Very Nearly Always Wrong About Expecting The Worst

I’m prepared for the worst

Why? I always expect the worst. Problem is (not really a problem) it almost never happens.

How often have I expected the worst? Many, many times. I have gone to the store to get a refund on a product that I didn’t like. Fully expecting the clerk to give me a hard time. If memory serves me, I don’t think I’ve ever had a hard time. I have expected to be treated badly at a government office (DMV, etc.) and it’s not happened. When people have you where you need something from them and you’re at their mercy, I expect a hard time. Almost never happens. But I expect it every time.

What is it with me? Do I just think that people are naturally mean? I expect to get overcharged when someone at the tire store knows I need tires. So many times they’ve been helpful and pointed me to a good deal. Or found a coupon for me to use that they had behind the desk.

It’s not that I’m a mean person and I project my attributes onto someone else. I’m not mean and I’m always ready to help someone. I really am the complete opposite of mean.

Give it a minute!

Having a hard time breaking a habit? Can’t seem to be the person you want to be? Maybe you can do it for a while, but it just doesn’t seem to last? That’s okay. Give it a minute!

Why do New Year’s resolutions almost never work? I think it’s because they’re forever. And it has to be perfect. You can’t make a mistake or backslide. Every time I make a resolution it has to be perfect. Many times I tried to quit smoking (and finally did), but after a day or two or even a few hours I had a cigarette. That did it. I blew it. It’s no longer perfect. Now I have to wait until next year to try again.

A whole Year?! That’s a lot of pressure. But I’ve learned, for me, I can keep resolutions if they’re not forever. Being on a diet for ever? I just can’t get used to that. So I thought about what was wrong and I think I’ve realized something. All of a sudden I thought “wait a minute”. I know how I can do this. Give it a minute. Or five. Or ten. Or one hour. I can do that.

So I have a new New Year’s Resolution (that I started a few months late into the year 😄). Every day, I’m going to do a few x amount of minute blocks of time. As short or as long as I feel like. But try to do a few every day. Each one is a new resolution. One-minute resolution to pick up in the living room before company comes over. Two minutes of reading an article. I may say for the next five minutes I’m going to clean the garage. That’s not forever and I can do that perfectly. I don’t feel overwhelmed by that. But if I said I was going to work all day and clean it it would take me a while to get started, if ever. With five minutes of cleaning the garage I can set a goal and reach it. And I found out I can do a lot in five minutes.

The Unknown

Another reason that a five-minute goal is so easy is because it has a definite start and end. It’s not an endless loop. It doesn’t seem to go on forever. It would take hours to clean my garage but I’m not sure exactly how many hours so I don’t really know when I’ll be done. It’s the unknown. With a five-minute goal there is no unknown. And so often I find myself wanting to do another five minutes. I mean, they are pretty easy. Five minutes here and there throughout the day really adds up.

Having a hard time breaking a habit?

I used to. But now my New Year’s resolution is to give it a minute or two or five. It has really made a difference, for me. It’s given me a lot of confidence. There’s virtually nothing I can’t do for one minute.

Cliché

I just can’t seem to do a thing when I don’t know how much I’m going to do or how long I’m going to do it. When do I earn a break? How long of a break? When have I earned some time to relax and get away from it? What is the plan? It’s hard when I don’t have a plan or goal.

 

If I work on a new post I feel like I’m getting something done. I see new words on the page and I feel like I’m having a good outcome. But if I want to tweak a post I’ve already written I feel like I’m not getting that much done. Materially it make not make a lot of difference. It will be a better post but I may not see a lot done. I may only add a few more words or maybe I’ll add a few here and remove a few there and it works out the same. Or maybe I’ll even wind up with fewer words. There’s not a lot materially to show. I seem to not focus on the fact that qualitatively it’s a better post. So I’m judging my outcome on how much quantitatively I’m getting done. I’m focused too much on the outcome.